7:10 pm | No Comments » |
As I try to find my own way on this path to weight loss success, I am now joined by my almost 10 year old son. And I am afraid. Afraid that I will fail him as he is so young to carry this burden. How can I help him when I haven’t been able to find the answer for myself in 20 years!? This is his first week on a more conscious healthy plan. Because, like me, he doesn’t eat any different foods than the rest of the house (or his older, thin brother) but now that we are being more mindful, I can see where he is prone to 2nd helpings and snacking. So we are starting with a well rounded breakfast and packing healthy snacks and lunch and drinks so he will be sure not to feel hungry during the day. We are making sure there is a healthy after school snack if he feels he needs one. And dessert only after supper, if he feels like it. He is the most active member of the house so it is hard to say to him well you also have to move more. But he is trying anyway, bless his heart. He truly enjoys gym and basketball and soccer and bike riding and all those things I would never have done at his age. He would rather be outside playing any day or busy helping to fix something. His older brother is the couch potato/game junkie. It just isn’t fair is it? I feel a great burden for my son as i know he is being teased and I know the world (adults included) look at him and make assumptions. And I know that because I am the “fat” parent and his dad is the “thin” parent that folks see him as being “like me” and his brother as being “like his father”. And they miss out on a lot of other characteristics of both sides of the family and unique ones as well. But I feel like the world at large blames me for his weight and, truth be told, i’m probably the first in line to blame myself. So I hope that through this time, we will learn from each other. He won’t feel alone because he knows i understand. I will do more things because i want to keep him company and be a good example too. And we will celebrate the small steps and bigger moments together. I pray I am able to help him learn life tools that will help him conquer this early. We have been reluctant to come at it with a direct approach as we hoped he would “grow out of it” and get taller. But he is gaining weight too fast to wait for that to happen. I am worried for his health and safety now. And he is getting more out of control trying to fill the bad feeling about himself with food. Now is the time. This is his first week and he has discovered onion sprouts It is fun to watch him embrace new things and express himself. I can see already that he is helping me too
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March 24, 2009
5:04 pm | 1 Comment » |
I have been in a much better place, mentally at least, with this whole process. I have had some nice soups and a few salads. I have put the brakes on the junk coming into the house. I have let go of some of the emotional baggage I was carrying around; mental blocks in many ways. That’s not to say that I won’t make attempts to pick them up again along the way but I do believe the layers have started to peel away to reveal the inner workings of the thin girl under all the fat! woohoo! It’s a celebration I’m looking for new recipes to try that the whole family can enjoy. Eating well doesn’t have to be boring. Can’t wait to hit that 10lb mark – again – last I counted it was 6lbs so far
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March 3, 2009
9:26 am | No Comments » |
I recently read a success story that was posted on the weight watchers (WW) site. It made me cry. The story the lady told was similar to my own. I believe the timing of my reading it was as much a part of the effect it had on me as the story itself. Our starting weights were similar and her life pattern was very similar and her journey was a struggle for every pound she has lost. And she has lost about 186 lbs !!! I printed it off and keep it on my night stand. It reminds me that I am not alone. Because although I have other friends and acquaintances who are also attempting to lose weight, I am still alone in the category of size that I am in – the biggest of any group I am ever in. It is a lonely place to be. Recently a bunch of ladies were laughing and agreeing to a new diet fad that promised they would be thin by summer; you know, the bathing suit crisis. Although they included me in their discussions, the reality for me is that they can all lose weight many times over and be thin many times but i will still be a very large woman plodding along. Most of them only need to lose 10-30 lbs. That is a wee drop in my bucket. And although I appreciate being included, I am still lonely inside because long after they have left and went on their way and enjoyed their summers and their bathing suits and trips down south, I will still be trying. So…. back to the success story…. she said that after she learned to love herself a whole new world opened up and the journey became something that was a happy experience along the way. What does loving me look like? What does it mean? I’ve been thinking about that a lot this past week. And this is a bit of what I’m learning, slowly
It means getting up when the alarm goes off and not 1/2 hr later, so that I can take the time for myself to eat a breakfast that is healthy and not just spend my limited time feeding everyone else. It means going to bed when I’m tired instead of sitting up in front of mindless TV so that I CAN get up when the alarm goes off It means packing a lunch and snacks to take to work so that I have the peace of mind knowing I have the right things with me and won’t be hungry. That is setting myself up to WIN instead of FAIL ! It means taking time on breaks to track my food instead of working through all breaks. It means taking time to call a weight loss buddy and opening up a dialogue so that i am not always alone in my mind and thoughts and efforts; going a bit deeper and trusting a little more. It means diverting my attention to something I enjoy instead of just reaching for food when I feel a need for something. Because I used to love a great deal of things and do a great deal of things and I have allowed the rush and chaos of life to rob me of much of the joy of WHO I am inside and out. It means walking a bit slower in the morning air and sun and really looking around and appreciating the moment instead of just rushing blindly headlong into the day. It has meant not jumping on the scale every day – it is ok to weigh in once a week as a tracking tool but it is not the final word on how I am doing. I don’t feel very good at this whole loving me part of things. It’s not a comfortable idea to embrace. Couldn’t that mean that I’m vain or full of myself or that I’m selfish? All I know is the lady in the success story discovered a whole new world and was able to finally make it work once she learned to love herself. I’m hoping one day I can share the same kind of success story and inspire someone else. For now, I’m just going to try to find out how to succeed myself!
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January 31, 2009
12:02 pm | No Comments » |
Three weeks ago I started fresh so to speak – I lost 5lbs that week and then two weeks ago I gained 4 lbs and this week gained 1lb so here I am no further ahead in this journey….. as far as numbers go…. BUT….. I am encouraged by a few things in spite of the nasty fight I have with the scale.
First, I am moving along faster. I could barely move during December; I was in such a slump all over again! Now I am moving much quicker as I walk around my building where I work etc. I feel lighter inside. I cannot explain it. AND, I have had people tell me I look like I’ve lost weight and I look the best I have looked in months! go figure! I even went upstairs in our building at a fairly fast pace in front of the line! Normally I would have let everyone else go first.
Second, I am touched by the comments on my last blog entry. I was sitting here looking at the blank entry today wondering if I should really keep doing this when all I seem to blog is about failing over and over. Like who am I kidding??? And then I noticed I had comments I hadn’t seen so I read them and both of them were so much what I needed to hear. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I have to say that I have a very thin skin and wear my heart on my sleeve and I am over sensitive to a fault sometimes. And all of my life I have felt like I need to apologize to everyone who looks at me. I just realized that completely as I type it now. And what I wanted to be able to blog here was how success I am experiencing this time around – what a winner I am and encourage others to be winners too.
Reading the comments from people who do not know me and have absolutely no reason to be nice because they do not want to hurt my feelings (like well meaning family & friends may do) helps me to feel like I am worth more than the negative voice in my head is telling me that I am. I am blessed by the comments; especially knowing that one lady said that she does not leave comments as a rule. I am really thankful that she did this time!
I have always counted on being smart since I can’t be pretty – and I’m smart enough to know that I am worth everything and yet there is a part of me that does not buy it. It is a truth I want to grasp but most often I feel like I am reaching for something I will never really know unless I can conquer this thing.
This fat that I feel hides ME. This fat that the world sees without seeing that I have just as much to offer as the girl that shines in the healthy, lean body and perfect clothes and is perfectly poised at all times. I lumber along in body, but my spirit wants to soar in so many ways.
I think the world thinks that fat people are subhuman or something. Like we choose to be this way. As if we made a conscious choice to say as children I want to be fat so let’s get this show on the road.
Let me just say that I feel like dancing and singing and playing the spotlight at times; I feel like donning the newest fashion trend and sashaying my way through the mall; the envy of girls going by; I feel like being sexy and seductive. I am not dead under this fat. I cannot make my body look or move like I feel inside. Oh, I’ve seen others try and I’ve seen the movies promoting doing just such a thing…. but it just doesn’t look right even to me.
And all my life my mother would tell me not to be concerned about those girls who had all the appearance of being the favorite and the cool ones etc. It was better to be smart and beautiful on the inside; that’s what counts. Yes. True. But just once I want to see myself as beautiful on the outside too; yup, just once I want to feel the shallow moment of triumph just to say that I look gooood in that outfit
My hubby tells me I’m beautiful and I know that he truly sees me somehow through eyes of love that sees beauty. And we got no problems with sex appeal either (just in case you were wondering). But I don’t see myself like he does and I sometimes tell him I think he’s in some serious denial BUT I am very thankful that he does love me as I am or else I could not face the world each day.
If nothing else, this blog can be a catalyst to peer into the hidden layers that I didn’t even know were there. I have written things today that I have never admitted that I even thought let alone put them out there where anyone could hear or see. I expect lightening to strike any moment now!
Perhaps as my spirit finds it’s way out to the light, the layers will begin to peel away and other things will fall into place. Maybe the healing isn’t going to come WHEN I’m thin – maybe I’ll get thin after the healing happens…… hmmm…… I think that’s too deep even for me!
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January 18, 2009
7:35 pm | 2 Comments » |
Someone asked me what my greatest weakness is in this weight loss battle – and i replied that it was not having a plan. However, I think I will change that reply – it is lack of discipline.
I have a plan – I sat down and planned the meals until the end of January – so I have a plan.
But I lack the discipline to implement that plan – the discipline to get the groceries stocked that are necessary, the discipline to maintain my food journal daily, the discipline to stay focused in spite of one meal messed up so that it doesn’t turn into the whole day or days or week!!! And I lack the discipline to exercise !
I am completely frustrated with myself. I had a great first week back on track and logged in a 5lb loss – so WHY can I not repeat that ????? Why is that not enough positive reinforcement to keep me doing it again and again and again????? I am so mad!
Because this week I started to do the journaling but then missed a day and then I just felt like it was all a failure and here I am still off the plan!
I recently read that the perfectionist dieter is one that often does not have success in losing the weight. And I can agree. Because as soon as one thing goes amiss, I feel like the whole plan has failed and it is hopeless. How do I get past that? How do I allow myself the failures without losing sight of the whole journey???? How do I stop setting myself up for that cycle?
And as I come here I think, people do not want to read the blog of someone who just keeps failing at this! However, this is what my reality is. Forgive me for the failures – bear with me as I seek to find the answers and the discipline to keep going and forgive myself so that I don’t fall down for good!
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January 3, 2009
9:33 pm | 2 Comments » |
I am SO ready to get back on track!
Freedom has it’s price – and I don’t believe it is true freedom to go ahead and eat whatever you want anyway. Because that kind of behavior is being under control of a habit and no self-control is an enslavement of a different kind. Making the choice that feels the best – that is true freedom.
What is the plan for the new week?
First of all, breakfast. Oatmeal or cream of wheat with skim milk and an egg.
Morning snack; fruit.
Lunch; lean cuisine or WW frozen lunches (because I just need easy for getting back on track).
Afternoon snack; something that’s low point but kind of junkish or crunchy. I like to have the 100 calorie packs of baked cheesies or something in my drawer to nibble at. It gives me a ‘treat’ that is crunchy and yet low points. Popcorn sometimes hits that 2:30 craving as well.
Supper; chicken soup for the first couple of nights….mmmm…. the smell alone is comforting A roast with baked potatoes & veggies is also easily doable by utilizing the slow cooker; turn the roast on in the morning and it’s ready when we get home at night – tada. I have to say that the slow cooker is one of my top kitchen tools in feeding my family good meals for supper after working all day!
I bought a pretty carafe (made by Thermos) for keeping cool water at my desk. It holds 1L. The sound of the pouring water is refreshing in itself and also using a pretty glass adds just a hint of pleasure to such a simple task.
I took advantage of Boxing Week sales and purchased several new outfits. I wasn’t going to; not until I’d reached the 20 lb mark. I had a mentality that I didn’t deserve it. However, my wardrobe was reaching a desperate point. I forced myself to go and once I tried on a pile of items, I actually found more than I expected! Now, I am telling myself I should be looking my best every day; whether I lose weight or not!
A new hairdo was also in order. And so I guess I am all set to embark on a new year’s worth of adventure
I recently read in O magazine, something that Bob Greene had to say…. that people get discouraged because they try over and over again to lose the weight. Then they feel like they can’t try again because they have already failed. Mr. Greene said that each time you try something over again, you increase you chance that you will succeed this time. I may not be arriving at the 15 lb mark for my birthday as I expected (in three weeks time) but I am still trying and the fact that I am not giving up on me is the greatest gift I can give myself
Happy New Year!
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December 14, 2008
2:36 pm | No Comments » |
So I have a mix of things going through my head and I’m wondering do I blog the positive first or the negative ? or should I just ignore the negative? hmmm…. No, ignoring is not my style.
So I think I’ll vent first – I really do mind winter – I prefer to be awakened with the sound of birds singing and the sun pouring through my window rather than the CKBW morning road report and school updates ….. sigh…. in the dark nonetheless! (although I totally appreciate that CKBW resource, don’t get me wrong!) I also prefer to walk to my car at the end of the work day, to the sound of more birds singing and more sunshine and the smell of BBQ’s in backyards….. rather than more dark! Obviously I have a thing about the dark …. but that’s a whole other story.
And it’s in this general spirit of blahs that I cling with all my positive-ness that I can muster to the glee that I experienced last week! Complete wedded bliss revisited Well, in a matter of speaking….. I was able to fit on all three of my wedding rings, at once, on my ring finger!!! I flashed them around to my friends like I was a newlywed again. I guess it had probably been about a year and I don’t know why I tried them all on but I found that the others were loose so I was curious. So that was a thrill
Of course, now I can’t again. Because I seem to spend more time in the valleys re-visiting the same numbers on the scale, rather then moving on to the next mountain peak ! UGH….. And I was going to breeze through the holiday season….. The way I’m going, I’ve already started to EAT my way through the PRE holiday season…. I’m losing hope!
And it’s not because Christmas bothers me – because I love it. And this year we have totally changed our outlook; we have settled into a lesser, yet more comfortable bracket of spending and giving more thoughtfully.
It’s the first time in almost 20 years that hubby says that he is enjoying the season!!! Everything seems more poignant this year. Clearer. Touching. Thought provoking. We appreciate the love and the laughter as we have glimpsed the possibilities and sometimes reality of loss. And we are pretty much ready – set – go
So that’s not the problem.
The whole house has been sick in various forms and it continues on…. and that gets to me. The whole routine goes haywire! I truly don’t feel like eating and when i do, I only want a nibble or then I’ll have a spell where I’m really hungry but not planning to be. So I eat the wrong thing. THIS is the time to be staying on track so that it is all second nature when the big treats appear
So where does this leave me? Well, I am not a giver upper – (i have my own language) sooooooo…… I am going to fake it til i feel it Yup. I’m going to eat the oatmeal for breakfast whether i feel like it or not. I’m going to eat a healthy snack. I’m going to eat a favorite low point microwave lunch (because that’s easy yet tasty for right now) and I’m going to plan supper. I’m also going to hope I don’t gag. Eating when I don’t feel hungry has done that before. Oh the hurdles!
So that’s life as it is right now – no fantastic, amazing stories to relay – this isn’t going to be a thrilling side show event. If you are in for the long haul, then tie a knot and hang on with me I’ll be needing it!
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November 30, 2008
3:21 pm | 1 Comment » |
I did a double take as I looked down at the number – 317 lbs – that means 11 lbs total loss ! woohoo!
Of course, there is a small voice in my head saying “It just says that because you have been sick as a dog for a week! You’ll gain it all back as soon as you can get food in you again”…..however…. bad voice GO AWAY! I’m going to do my ten pound happy dance anyway It looked awesome!
As December arrives, bringing with it a whole season of friends, family and fun that most certainly will all involve food …. is it possible to still lose weight? Yup….I’m certain it is. The thing to remember is to count the points….. if you are going to enjoy some extra treats then PLAN for them – if you stick your head in the sand and refuse to face the facts and allow yourself the pleasure then you will only set yourself up for failure. I know this in my head – will I be able to put it into practice ????
Right now I’m enjoying a beautiful chicken soup – chicken and veggies and spices – it soothes the soul and the flu/cold bug that persists in keeping me in its grip. Not in a salad mood so much these days….
I have discovered WW bagels and my own “fast food” version of a hot bagel sandwich. Just put 1 egg in a mug and beat it like you are scrambling it. Pop it in the microwave as it is, for 1 minute. Then plop it out on your WW bagel….. add tomato or other veggies if you like ….. salt & pepper and other seasoning you would also add before microwaving it…. and tada it’s warm, it’s good for you, it costs less
I apologize for being absent here – between technical difficulties and being sick sick sick, there was a wee hold up on my blogging abilities. But I was mentally blogging – just itching to get it out at the first opportunity.
I’m going to turn 37 in January…. I would like to set a goal to reach 15 lbs by then. I had originally hoped to lose 20 lbs by Christmas. However, I always set very high goals; unrealistic even. So I’m learning to pace myself. Recently, someone said “Oh I can drop 40 lbs like nothing” ….and I thought …. hmmm….. well, maybe you can win the race several times while I’m winning it only once….but i’d rather do it once well than have to do it over and over and over again….. I have no illusions that I’m the tortoise in this race – but we all know how that one ends
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November 11, 2008
5:56 pm | 1 Comment » |
Ok, so here I am again, looking at 321.5 on the scale. And I’m thinking this is going to be a LONG process. I lost 6.5 lbs in the first week! Then I re-gained half of it and have been this long re-losing it! Not a very good example of how to do this the savvy way….. however….if I am going to persevere, I cannot focus on the road behind – only what lies ahead.
I have discovered one thing – I have a much better week when I have a plan. A meal plan is vital. And the slow cooker is one of my best tools. As a working family, we often do not get home until 6:00 p.m. That’s late to be starting a meal. It’s late for the kids, late for health reasons and late because by that time I am starved and ready to eat everything in sight!
I also have to have a plan for the rest of the day. I am not a morning person and breakfast was something I preferred to skip. However, I have learned that breakfast is exactly the first important step in this battle. A WW bagel with a Tbsp of PB (peanut butter) or a microwaved egg is my main staple. The other staple is instant oatmeal that I can grab and throw in my purse in case it’s one of those mornings where I fed everyone but myself and now we have 10 minutes to make the 20 minute dash to the sitter and work! Did I mention that I’m not a morning person? Neither is the rest of my family!
I have also discovered the importance of water. I fill a 1L mug and drink that through the day and then I try to fill & drink it again when I get home. I don’t have all the answers as to why this is a great thing – I just know that it is. Sometime I think I will do a research project on water. It is an unsung hero in our daily existence I’m sure.
I have also discovered that in the rush of life, the first thing that I let go is all of my good habits that help me.
We whip out the door in the morning, grabbing a coffee and McDonald’s before heading to work. Then we wonder what in the world is for lunch and make it fast because there is only so much you can do in a half hour for lunch. Supper is an afterthought – on the way to the car – what is fast and easy? We have about a half hour turn around time before we have to have kids fed and be out the door again.
That is why it is vital to have a plan. To assess what is on hand and figure out healthy meals for the family that are also going to be the least amount of work. If we have week nights that have activities then a slow cooker meal is the way to go! Or a pot of soup or chili that can be reheated. If I know that I’m going to have a wait time to eat then I need to have a snack just before I leave work so that I can cook supper without placing myself in danger of eating everything in sight. Placing raw veggies & dip or a fruit tray on the counter while we are cooking is a big hit – they disappear within minutes! The kids think that is tantamount to a treat! And so it is
Right now, the aroma of stew is wafting down the hall and my TO DO list is not getting any shorter. I will store away the victory of a 2lb loss this week and carry on. I can see the 10lb marker up ahead – slow and steady will win this race
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November 6, 2008
6:14 pm | 1 Comment » |
It does my heart so much good to know that I am not alone in this journey. There are others, nearby or maybe further ahead or coming behind. Although they have to make their own way, they all have a roll to play in my path too!
There are days when it is essential to have someone walking beside you, matching you step for step, in pretty much the same boat. And you can nod and agree and really share the current state of affairs. You boost each other along as you carry on.
There are moments when having someone who is further ahead turn around and offer a helping hand and hint about what is yet to come just provides the wee boost needed to get over the hump.
And there is a responsibility to take the time to also encourage someone who is coming behind. To hold a hand, carefully cheer and softly support. To pay it forward as you yourself have been encouraged.
I have experienced all of these moments this week I am so fortunate!
It makes the 1 lb that I lost last week seem so much greater than a drop in the enormous bucket I sometimes see looming ahead of me instead of the little lines of accomplishment I am crossing daily.
I am prone to looking to long at the bucket – I may as well admit it. I am the first on the band stand with the bullhorn to tell myself I am not good enough. I fight the demons of despair often. However, in sharing this battle out loud, I am finding that it is almost giving me a freedom in itself. It removes the isolation factor and perhaps even the proneness to hiding in shame.
Thank you to the ladies who have commented – it gives me a smile And you never know when that tiny thing may be the one thing that helps someone take one more step!
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