I hate going to the vets. HATE it.
It was my turn to take the dog in. The behemoth-sized dog of very little brain and very few manners. Of course, it’s just puppy exuberance that makes him jump and cavort and pant and drool incessantly, but the sheer size of him makes the old ladies clutch their teacup things tighter and glare. Huh. You’d think he peed on them or something.
Their eyes get huge when I tell them he’s only seven months old. ‘So,’ they squeak, ‘he’ll get bigger?’
‘Oh yes’, I always say. ‘MUCH bigger. We’re feeding him horsemeat and growth hormones. And pretty soon, we’re going to start him on cats. Our aim is to hire him out to a traveling circus as the World’s Largest Dog.’
Usually by then Jasper will flop to the floor and do something doggishly-constructive like lick himself or gaze fatuously up at me, looking foolish and harmless (except for his monstrous size) and they’ll start to relax. THEN he’ll spot something dangerous and coming to eat us! (like the goldfish tank! Or the scale!) and give out a loud, dangerous-big-dog ROWF, and up in arms go the wee little dogs again.
Jasper is always glad to see the vet, something she attributes to his breed (while kindly not mentioning that he might be dumb as a post, since the last time he saw her she was removing bits that I daresay he would rather we didn’t touch) while petting his wind-milling tail and lurching to huff him up onto the table. He usually piddles a little with joy and contorts to lick her ear or whatever he can reach while she fiddles and does secret vet things and tells me sweet lies about how all dogs are rambunctious as puppies, and he’ll grow out of it.
I always nod and smile and think about how if he grows anymore we’re going to have start finding a direct supplier for his food. Maybe we can just drive him into the feed store every day and line him up under one of the bins. Or maybe…
I was cut off by the vet. “He’ll settle down,” she said firmly and a little breathlessly, as Jasper adoringly rammed his head into the crotch of her pants. “He will. But you might want to get a flyer on the obedience classes we offer.
So you enjoy him more.”