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November 19, 2008
… but I know what I like
6:53 am | 1 Comment » |I really consider myself something of a music connoisseur.
I love listening to it … I love sampling it … I love it pouring into my ear, the same way someone enjoying a fine glass of wine takes time to admire the taste by sloshing it around in his mouth.
That doesn’t mean I know how it’s done.
I can’t sing worth a damn and the last time I made any attempt to play a musical instrument was when I was in Grade 4 and it was the recorder.
There are some things that a person comes to know he is simply not wired to do — and in my case, making music is one of those things.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t recognize and enjoy something good when I hear it.
The other night, driving long after dark between Mahone Bay and Blockhouse, I was listening to CBC Radio 2′s Canada Live and was taken by the end of a live concert in Montreal put on by Mark Berube and The Patriotic Few.
I had never heard them before … but an oddly named track titled “Shiny Plastic Bags/Barber Shop Part 2″ grabbed me and shook my mind with its resonating beauty, cutting through the cold rain falling on that November night.
You can listen to it here. It’s the tenth track on the newly released “Songs From What the Boat Gave the River.”
I wish I could play the piano.
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November 12, 2008
Hallowe’en … 12 days later
10:36 am | 1 Comment » |So …
After the trials and tribulations of last week, and planning and plotting for days and days to come up with the best Hallowe’en costume ever, by the time 5:45 p.m. on October 31st rolled around, I still had nothing.
But, rather than throw in the towel, I did what any historian would do: I turned to the past. And two-fold, really.
First, I turned to the immediate past — I recalled that I had an old costume tucked away from my days at St. Thomas University in Fredericton that would make an excellent emergency Hallowe’en costume.
Second, in a manner of speaking, by digging that costume out of ye olde boxes, I was reaching into the distant past, as the costume was, itself, a toga, paying homage to the days of Rome.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: this is probably the laziest Hallowe’en costume ever. And you’d be right. You basically take an ordinary bed sheet and wrap it around you like this. For what it’s 
worth, you’ll notice that around my waist, I did have an extra-fancy chain thingy for added style.
So, equipped with my mind-blowing costume — which clearly beat the crap out of those who had spent hours and months devising a costume to look like a young Swedish school boy — I set out on the town and hooked up with one of my good pals, Gus Paddlewacker, for a hit concert.
You may have seen Gus in these hallowed pages before. Every now and again he pops up, emerging from his candy-coloured woodland trailer — which he lovingly calls the Gus Bus — to sell badly used go-karts and 60-year-old, post-war mystery meat.
Gus is, as they say, the classic “Man About Town.” Well, maybe more like “Man About Street Corner.”
Anyway, what you may not know about Gus is that he loves to carry a tune and the Paddlewacker Kid and and I have a long history of singing famous sea shanties, to the cheering delights of dozens and dozens.
So, not wanting to let our clamouring fans down, we picked up the mics at the party we jointly attended on all Hallow’s Eve and scared the bleeping-bleep out of some onlookers.
Now, I had the full intention of sharing that video here, because it’s sweet. I mean, we put our own awesome spin on “Steal My Sunshine” by Len, so how could it not rock?
But, sadly, thanks to technological difficulties *cough, cough, Kristen* I don’t have it yet.
SO, in it’s place, here’s a video of some Hiltz and some mysterious stranger acting out stuff they saw in UFC. And who says kids aren’t impressionable?
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October 29, 2008
Hallowe’en Part II … Tuesday … uh, sort of
4:59 am | 3 Comments » |
Okay, so it’s actually Wednesday morning and I completely missed yesterday.
BUT, I’m going to make it up to the two of you reading this blog.
I’ve got a beat on a GREAT Hallowe’en costume. While doing some research yesterday in some old Bulletins, I stumbled across the ad see to your left.
Clearly, I need to dress up as a Dunlop brand tire for Hallowe’en. I mean, cripes, if the things can make a freakin’ rhinoceros look like it’s on the verge of plopping in its horn, then this is the kind of scary costume that I’ve gotta get in on — ya know, the kind of costume that will get me in the door at Mr. and Mrs. Paddlewacker’s party.
Don’t you think?
Okay, maybe not … but damn that rhino looks scared.
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October 27, 2008
This is Monday (or, Quest for Hallowe’en Part I)
11:14 am | No Comments » |So, in the hope of recapturing my audience in the wake of the election debacle victory, I’m going to make a real, solid concerted effort this week to update my blog for FIVE consecutive days.
Now, I know what you’re thinking — “Hirtle, when are you going to let your hair grow out?”
Well, if you’ve seen the top of my head, you know that my longish hair days are fair behind me.
And why would you be thinking that, anyway?
So this week, I have something of a dilemma facing me. As it turns out, I’m supposed to attend a Hallowe’en Party of Gus and Mrs. Paddlewacker’s on, you guessed it, Hallowe’en.
Problem is, I’m not quite sure what sort of costume to wear — and apparently, you must be wearing one to gain access to the hijinx.
I was thinking that going as a human-sized Ed the Sock would be one option, but I’m not sure where I’d get that much yarn.
Also, as a side note, how come Ed the Sock has his own Wikipedia entry and I don’t?? That’s virtually an affront to modern journalism! Haven’t people seen me wearing this shirt??
I could always go with the look fashionably inspired by Tony “Old Reliable” Kornheiser, but that’s sooo 2006.
Anyway, clearly, I’m going to need help fizz-ixing me up a fine costume for the great Boo-fest of 2008.
The quest will continue tomorrow, unless someone sends me a really crankin’ suggestion by then.
(Incidentally, if you do a Google image search for “crankin’ costume,” the first thing that comes up is something that bears a vague resemblance to Marilyn Manson … so, I guess what I’m saying is, don’t waste your time.)
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October 22, 2008
I’m back …
11:48 am | No Comments » |That’s right, after a prolonged hiatus, I’m back in the blogsphere.
Why the absence? Well, over the past several weeks, I’ve been running a campaign, trying to get myself elected to Bridgewater Town Council — and, on Saturday, October 18th, I was successful.
Class, say “hello” to Councillor Hirtle.
“Hello, Councillor Hirtle.”
Anyway, during the while I was gone, I had sort of made a conscious effort not to blog here out of fairness to my fellow candidates.
But, clearly, the time for fairness has passed!
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July 23, 2008
Making money after you’re dead
1:07 pm | No Comments » |So, I had this great idea how last Wednesday night driving home from softball.
You know how, way back in the early 1990s, when computers first became all the rage, there were these dumpy little DOS typing tutor programs?
You remember, right? They’d get you to enhance your typing skills by typing out silly sentences, like “See the red fox. See the red fox jump over the dumb, lazy dog.”
Well, I got to thinking that it’s time for the next generation of typing tutors … and I think the appropriate man to make the pitch would be none other than Redd Foxx himself.
Not even death can hold back his comedic and typing-inspiring hilarity.
Anyway, here’s an amateur’s rendition of what using the Redd Foxx Typing Tutor V1.0 might sound like:
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July 4, 2008
Hot-doggin’ it for English Canada
12:12 pm | 2 Comments » |Don’t know if you saw it yesterday, but a poster featuring an interesting juxtaposition of Samuel de Champlain and a plate of poutine caused a bit of a raucous among the more fascist of our French-speaking amis in Quebec.
The story, which can be read in full here, goes a little something like this:
A poster at the US embassy in Ottawa which was being used to promote the annual Canada Day party featured the famous Champlain holding aloft a plate of poutine. Ya know, as if he was bringing a nice dish of food to a party.
It really could’ve been anything Photoshop’d into Champlain’s hand: schnitzel, sauerkraut, pizza, a big vat of curried chicken.
But, because it was poutine, some of the extremist wags in Quebec assumed it was yet another affront by English Canada; that we have nothing better to do than sit around and think up ways we can secretly make digs at French Canadian culture and history — and incorporate it into our party plans.
Jean-Paul Perreault, the spokesman for a prominent group dedicated to protecting the French language said that Foreign Affairs Minister David Emerson should apologize and Michael Wilson, Canada’s ambassador to the United States, should resign.
“If they wanted to make a joke, it’s a really bad joke,” Perreault told the CBC. “[A]nd if it wasn’t a joke, well, it’s worse then.”
Yes.
I couldn’t agree more.
There is nothing more inappropriate than Photoshopping culturally relevant food into the hands of a great historical figure for the purposes of party encouraging.
I mean, never mind Champlain, imagine the damage to our national and international reputation had someone done this:
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June 18, 2008
Where the Hirtle is at?
9:22 am | 1 Comment » |I realize I haven’t updated my blog in three weeks, which, in internet terms, is an eternity … so, with that in mind, I thought I’d leave you all a note to let you know that, yes, I am still alive and, no, contrary to popular reports, I did not die at Play On!
Nor did I die of surprise at the Atlantic Community Newspapers Association‘s awards dinner when my weekly column, “Bleacher Bum,” took the prize as top specialty column in the region this year. Was I surprised I won? Yes. Did I die? No. It’s the second-year running that “Bleacher Bum” placed in the top three in the region … so it just goes to show that while you’re getting some of the good stuff here, my real “A” material is in the Bulletin and Progress Enterprise. In fact, judging by the number of awards Lighthouse Publishing took home, we do a lot of good stuff.
(Apparently, my dozens of fans have been on the cusp of rioting because I haven’t been around — and trust me, nobody wants a dozen nerds running roughshod over the Town of Bridgewater. You’ve heard of the gang TOB, right? Well these guys are NOB — Nerds of Bridgewater-shire — and they’ll dice your clothes with their razor-sharp pocket protectors. Trust me, it’s nothing you want any kind of piece of.)
Anyway, Play On! was a huge success for the Tancook Island Sauerkrauts. We went 1-2 in the round robin on Saturday which wasn’t spectacular, but was good enough to get us into the playoffs on Sunday. There, as the 41st-ranked team, we beat the 24th-ranked Paparazzi by a score of 10-8. That gave us a date with the 9th-ranked Leafs … who we crushed by a score of 8-2. I mean, we were all over those guys. I almost felt bad for them until one of them tried to stomp the lungs out of our goaltender, Matthew Silver. After that, it was like, “Pfft, those guys got what they deserved.”
Anyway, we went all the way to the round of 16, the first series of quarterfinal matches, before we lost to a team called Superbad by a 10-4 score. (Strangely, Jason Bateman and Michael Cera weren’t in their lineup — go figure.) The playoff run we made was a spectacular showing and an amazing redemption after the debacle of ’07, where we went 0-3 in the round robin and failed to make the playoffs.
Anyway, I’m working on a mini-documentary in my spare time that I’ll share with you all at some point … hopefully soon … .
In the meantime, enjoy this preview:
(Click the Tancook logo to play.)
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May 28, 2008
Krautswagon VI: Medical advice
11:46 am | No Comments » |We’re now three days away from the 2008 Play On! Halifax tournament.
It’s a day of “lasts” in a lot of ways.
It’s the last day for Wednesday Night Ball Hockey in Mahone Bay this season. We’ll start things up again in September, but the 2007-08 season will come to a (hopefully loud) close tonight.
The last night of Wednesday night madness also means that today will be the last day of any kind of practice before Play On!
In some ways, knowing that I’m going to have a three-day lull before I next shoot a ball on Saturday morning I’m worried.
At the same time, I’m also a little relieved because all I have to do is make it through tonight without killing myself and I’ll be in relatively perfect health for the tourney.
Knock on wood, right?
I probably should, actually … last week I had the crap scared out of me because, while going at full speed, I took a flying dive over top of Jonathan Hiltz’s leg as he was backing up.
The collision was probably akin to a large, heavy motorcycle managing to get up to 88 mph — just enough to activate the flux capacitor — before hitting a tree root, sending Michael J. Fox flying through the air to certain injury.
Anyway, after I hit the ground knees first, and took several minutes to get up, I noticed that my left knee was already bruised and my right hurt, but appeared otherwise unscathed. Which was fine, until the next morning when I went to get out of bed and discovered my right knee had seized to the point that I couldn’t bend it without crying in pain.
I felt as broken as the Memorial Cup. (Incidentally, poor guys … it’s so hard not to laugh at them, especially with the look of shock on their faces.)
Luckily for me, after 48 hours, the swelling in old righty dissipated and I got my range of motion back — such as it is.
So, now all I have to do is survive one more Wednesday night session without injuring knees or any other body part … after last week’s close call, you’d think I’d be preparing to take it easy, wouldn’t you? But then, if I take it easy, that’s hardly taking full advantage of my final pre-tourney training session, isn’t it?
Game on it is …
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