February 1, 2012

Bed Bug Phone Home

So, Iqaluit is having a slight bed bug infestation. Since these little critters are hijacking there way to the Great White North via luggage from the south, Iqaluit residents are worried since the town does not have one exterminator. Residents have never seen bed bugs before.

Well I can guarantee you that bed bugs ain’t never seen anyting like Iqaluit either. I would advise them to start sending tweets to their buddies down south. “DON’T COME HERE! ITS FRIGGIN COLD!!!!”

As far as the infestation goes…close the bedroom door and open the window for a few hours. That should about do it.

Until then, I remain,

A Sour Kraut

3 Comments »

January 27, 2012

Smile, you’re Canadian

11:02 am | No Comments » |

So, I live in Canada and my children are starting to get on my nerves. Well, the last thing I need is my offspring sullying the good family name. I plan to talk to them about it, but on my way to the canal I have a small accident. By the time I get that straightened out I am too late. My three daughters and my first wife, can’t remember how many I have, have driven into the locks and drowned. Distraught I flee the scene. Yeah, that’s it. That is exactly how it happened. Forget the paint scrapes on my front bumper and those recordings of me saying I would kill them a thousand times over, I was trying to be a good father. Only in Canada would I get a long drawn out trial.

Canada’s beloved Prime Minister was feeling quite satisfied in Davos. He was putting swords in the backs of his European counterparts when he decided that the folks at home were getting off easy. Tally Ho! Don’t think that you can retire at 65, that date is getting further away. Maybe 67 or 70.

Before going to the inviting confines of Switzerland, the PM met with all the First Nations representatives that could get a space at the table. The result? More consultations and more consultants equals more money down the drain. I have one question for the First Nation’s leaders – How can you draw a big salary if your people don’t have proper housing? Some of you could cut back on your take and actually build a house or two every year with the savings. One more thing. If I didn’t have proper sanitation and was using a bucket, I may get off my butt and go dig a hole and build an outhouse. It may not be warm, but outhouses served very well in trying circumstances. Better than a bucket and spreading the contents in front of your house. Only in Canada.

Isn’t it nice to hear that people from Europe and the U.S. love, love, luv luv luv, Nova Scotia. That fact that the roads suck, signage and amenities are third world, and promotion is misguided doesn’t deter the hardy from visiting. Who knew. Imagine if Nova Scotia ( and the rest of the Country for that matter ) did a good job. We would have to beat tourists away with stick. Oh, but we wouldn’t want that. It may change our quaint little way of life.

This country always gives me the warm and fuzzy’s. That’s why I stay. That and the fact that I will continue to be a drain on the health care system. Cool. Manage your own care and see who finishes in first.

Until then, I remain,

A Sour Kraut

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January 19, 2012

I Am So Proud

9:25 am | No Comments » |

Guess what? Canada has a spy. Really!! Okay, to be fair, he is alleged to have taken part in spying stuff. He hasn’t been convicted yet. So, truthfully we MAY have a spy. Still, I am so proud. Canada, the country that has issues over its millitary role in the world, whose equipment is usually sitting idle due to lack of funds, actually has something that other countries are willing to pay for.

I am not talking about the recipe for a Timmies Cruller, these people want some serious information. Low and behold we had some. Probably it was more like the US and Britain had some and we just knew it because we were in the same room. Nevertheless, we have a spy.

Hey, Maybe we do matter. What’s next? Maybe Peter MacKay is a double 00 operative who needs to be picked up at a salmon lodge because he just off’ed a bad guy who was lurking in the wilderness. He wasn’t in Mexico getting married, he was there taking out some drug cartel kingpin. Yeah, that’s it. And all of this would make Stephen Harper “M”. Who knew? He kinda looks like Judy Dench. Oooh, I have goosebumps.

Until then, I remain,

A Sour Kraut

No Comments »

Not So Healthy

9:14 am | No Comments » |

Canada is going through another round of negotiating for health care dollars while never looking at the issues. The Provinces are demanding more money to keep the levels of service they currently don’t provide. The Federal Government is saying that the trough is starting to dry up and they have to put a cap on what they can spend. No one ever meets in the middle and the Canadian populace keeps geeting the dull end of the used needle.

Lets face facts. Money is not the issue. Canadians have piled billions in the system with the promise that things will get better. All of that money has simply been swallowed up in the morass that is the Canadian Health Care system. If money is not the issue than what is? There are many things wrong and they are all structural. Lets take that premise of universal health care or “free” health care as some like to call it. At its roots, the system put forth by Tommy Douglas many years ago recognised the problems we have now. It wasn’t supposed to be “free”. Mr. Douglas realized that people needed to have a buy in to the system and as a result he promoted a co-pay system. The “free” part came in when you suffered catastrophic medical care bills that you could not afford. That is when the system took care of you and did not deny service. A “free” system is always going to suffer abuse. Suffering from a cold or the flu, Canadians could stay at home, rest and drink plenty of fluids. Instead Canadians go to their doctor, where they are told to stay at home, rest and drink plenty of fluids. The doctor may also throw in blood work and a perscription to ease Mr. or Ms. Canuk’s mind. Canadians go to the doctor for things today that a generation ago would have been considered a passing annoyance. Why? Because it doesn’t cost anything and you can where it with pride.

“Where were you? ”

“Oh, I HAD to go to the DOCTOR.”

I once heard a hockey Mom tell her overly dramatic son to “suck it up Princess!” Sounds like a good perscription for Canadians as a whole. Tommy Douglas’ co-pay idea would definitely cut down on abuse of the system.

Family doctors are also to blame. It used to be that your GP was the one who diagnosed and treated your problems. Only the most serious, or confusing issues were referred to a specialist. Now your family doctor is at most times a turnstile that routes you to other areas, tests and specialties. We don’t need to be paying big bucks for that service. A well constructed computer program can do the same thing.

One health care consultant was promoting a funding system that was based on meaningful and measurable outcomes. I am not sure what that means, except to say that I am sure that it entails the hiring of a lot more administrators to develop and measure these meaningful outcomes. The Canadian health care system is administered to death. In fact there is a direct correlation between the rapid increase in health care funding and the increase in administrators. It is a bureaucracy that is now well entrenched and setting the direction of the health care system. As far as patient outcomes, why don’t we give doctors a kick in the butt and tell them to get back on the job. They are the ones that swear an oath to help and protect their patients. Shouldn’t they be the ones that are pushing for meaningful and successful outcomes for their patients, instead of using the excuse that the administrators are the ones holding back resources? Doctors are supposed to be at the top of the heap (they get paid enough), they should be the ones determining what is best for their patients, not administrators. They should be the ones complaining of long wait times and lack of access to services. Yet, they quietly stand aside and let the “system” take all the hard knocks. Straighten up guys and do your job. I still can’t believe that we have patients dying of C. Difficile and contracting Norwalk virus and MRSA in hospitals. That is simply a cleanliness issue, yet you do not hear of physicians, or nurses I might add, putting their foot down and saying they are not going to stand for unclean rooms and facilities for their patients.

A generation ago, you walked into a hospital and there were rooms with beds in them with patients being treated. Now those rooms have been converted to offices and meeting rooms and are filled with catered lunch trays for the latest get together to discuss an issue that should have been acted on eight months ago. That lack of accountability is staggering. Huge wastes of money occurr and yet no one is responsible since it was all decided at “committee”. Committees are the ones who spend millions of dollars on studies, when they could get a better answer from polling the workers doing the job. Most health districts spend money on marketing and promotion. Yup, markeing a service that you have to use. Why? I guess it is to make us feel good that they are doing something with all those billions. I think they should cut out the billboards and give someone a hip sooner.

The system as it stands is broken. Yet, there is still this belief that Canadians need to throw more money at it. Its like pouring water into a broken glass and wondering why you are always thirsty. Canada needs to do a major overhaul of its system. The simplest is to ditch what exists and put the running of hospitals out to tender. The government would still be the single payer, and the hospitals would have to make a business case for survival. If they couldn’t then they would be replaced by an organization that could.

None of this will take place, because Canadians are too chicken to mess with their much ballyhooed “Universal Health Care System”. Well the system is a mess and when Canadians get to the point where they really need it, the realization that it is not all they thought it would be will be too late.

Until then I remain,

A Sour Kraut

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January 3, 2012

Speaking of Stupidity

10:24 pm | 1 Comment » |

Speaking of stupidity, the award goes to the German people and its government. Those straight and logical thinking Germans made one of the stupidest decisions ever. In the wake of the Japanese tsunami, and the hysteria around the damage to the Fukushima Nuclear Plant, Germany decided that they were going to shut down all of their nuclear power generators. ALL OF THEM! In the name of safety. Yes, safety.

Let’s fast forward nine months. All of the damaged reactors have been shut down and are just sitting there waiting to be removed and broken into their respective pieces and decommissioned. No real drama there. While this will be a messy and time consuming process, there will be no threat to safety. No more that cleaning up the chemical mess at Love Canal or the Sydney Tar Ponds or any of the dozens or so coal mine disasters every year. You know the ones. The explosions and cave- ins that kill hundreds (maybe even thousands if China every came clean) EVERY YEAR!!! Meanwhile, not one person died as a result of the damage at Fukushima. NOT ONE!!! And the residents that were moved because of radiation levels are starting to be able to move back. The predicted long term negatives are few and minor. Hmmmm…

Yet Germany jumped on the hysteria band wagon, with all the forethought of my twelve year old. Their passion for safety and the environment overcame the reasonable question of “How are we going to produce all this electricity that the nuclear plants are producing?” It’s simple. As we found out recently Germany has dramatically increased its imports of that paragon of safety and environmental friendliness – COAL. Yup, coal. Miners everywhere have rejoiced. Their wives and families not so much.

And don’t even start with the green energy arguments. Germany and the rest of Europe, being at the leading edge of windpower have already learned it is not the answer. There are three answers to power generation – nuclear, coal and hydro-electric. Currently, solar, wind and tidal are small add ons at best. Germany had the answer, nuclear, and they flipped the switch. Brilliant.

Until then, I remain,
A Sour Kraut.

1 Comment »

Right Again

10:21 pm | 1 Comment » |

I hate to be proven right. Especially when it is a result of stupidity and a waste of hard earned taxpayer’s money. Yet once again here we are. Check back a year or so, when Ringo triumphantly stated that he and the NDP government in Nova Scotia were moving the Province into the 21st century and the new “Green Economy”. Still makes me nauseated.

This whole “green economy” thing smells as much as the whole dot.com fiasco and that “new economy”. What new economy? You still have to produce something that people want and that is tangible and can be exported. Whether it is a service, a computer program or a piece of lumber. There is no free ride. If it is does not have a competitive advantage, no one will want it. Keeping that in mind, Ringo and the people at NSBI thought it a good idea to lure the Korean giant Daewoo to New Glasgow. The idea was that Daewoo would take over the defunct Trenton works and start manufacturing wind turbine parts. Specifically, the towers that support the turbine pods and the blades. Not exactly rocket science here, but what the heck, this is the new Green Economy. Now, Daewoo could have gone anywhere in the world to do this. Maybe even Korea. Knowing that they would have to sweeten the pot to get a global giant like Daewoo to touch the shores of Nova Scotia, they sweetened the pot to the tune of $70 million dollars. Really. A company with sales in the range of tens of billions gets $70 million of Nova Scotian’s hard earned dollars. Uh huh.

Now let us give governments the benefit of the doubt and admit that in some cases, spending money to lure companies to their jurisdictions can be a good thing. A good thing if you do your home work. Pick a company that is going to stay. Pick a company that will have to invest their technological know-how in the province and as a result will be slower to take the risk and leave. Pick a company that doesn’t have 200 hundred other location options. As I said above, building wind towers is not a technologically advanced endeavour. Any engineer worth his salt can design one and set up a production model. So how do you get a competitive advantage? Cost. So is Nova Scotia a low cost producer? Maybe, but if they had done their homework they would have found out that the biggest consumer of wind generators is China. AND guess what? China is also the biggest manufacturer of wind generators and their components. Me thinks that a Nova Scotian plant does not stand a chance at being cheaper than a Chinese plant.

Consequently, we heard the announcement last week that the Trenton plant was laying off workers as a result of a lack of orders for their towers. Told ya so. Although I didn’t predict it would take less than a year. Wait a minute though. They did say that they were hoping to rehire the work force and lots more once they received orders for the turbine blades. Yes, this is what they said. Really. If no one is purchasing your towers to place the turbines on, then the natural conclusion is they do not need any blades either. I don’t know, maybe blades wear out. Maybe there is a chance to get in there and sell blades on a replacement program. Maybe. Make sure you tell the Chinese the meeting is at a different hotel.

Don’t even get me started on Ringo’s other gaffs. The $70 mill to Daewoo, the $25 mill to Abitibi-Bowater, the $10 mill to Irving and the list goes on. That kind of money could have been used to provide a “free of charge” ferry link to New England. Think about the economic benefits of that!!!!

We crave leadership and imagination. We get waste and stupidity. I hope someday it changes.

Until then, I remain,
A Sour Kraut

1 Comment »

December 13, 2011

I’m Still Here

9:25 pm | 1 Comment » |

Sorry for the hiatus. Things got complicated. In the meantime there have been more than enough things to make me cringe.

Lets take the assertion from the man on trial in Kingston, Ontario, that he was a great, loving and supportive father. Right up to the point he pushed the car, containing his three daughters and first wife into the Rideau Canal. In wiretap evidence he is heard proclaiming that if his daughters came back to life a thousand times he would kill them each and every time. I guess this guy is going to miss the casting call for the remake of “Father Knows Best”. Can anyone tell me why we are wasting money on this trial?

Governor Rick Perry is a nut? A desperate nut. Enough said.

The three Maritime Provinces all have regulated gas prices. All have similar procedures for determining pump prices. Yet none of the three are ever on the same page. Even with the slight discrepancies in provincial gas taxes between the three, they never come up with the same or similar prices. Last week, PEI and NB kept their prices stable. Nova Scotia bumped theirs by a couple of cents. At this point the price in NS was almost 10 cents per litre higher than the prices in NB and PEI. Hmmmmm. The only way people are ever going to have confidence in this system is if the regulators publish their calculations every week. Show us how you came up with the price. Then we can maybe trust that you are giving the people the best deal. If not, ditch the system and go back to market rules.

Europe continues to teeter and the powers that be can’t get over their own powerbase to work on a common solution. Britain has decided not to allow a change to the EU charter. Some look at this as an isolationist move. Maybe. But the other more precient view may be that Britain is the smart one – not wanting to jump aboard a sinking ship. Time will tell.

Finally, Canada has pulled out of the flawed Kyoto Protocol. An agreement that only covered the 30% of the world’s Co2 emmissions was a non-starter. No matter what the adherents of the protocol did, the green house gas problem would continue to get worse. The idiots that say that we as the developed countries have caused the pollution and therefore have to make the cuts is ridiculous. Ooooh, we all have to feel guilty for being successful. Give me a break. Canadians are meant to feel extra guilty because we are in the top ten producers of Co2 per capita. We only produce less than 2% of the world’s Co2, so why does the per capita stuff matter. We live in a cold climate, a vast country and a dispersed population. If we were Britain, with twice the population in a space the size of Labrador, with a temperate climate, maybe we could jump on a train instead of drive. Tell someone in Wawa to turn back the furnace on that -25 night. Don’t plug in the block heater in your truck so it will start in the morning, walk the 15 miles to work when it is still -25. Give me a break.

If you are a resident of Southwest Nova Scotia, you must be spitting nails. Three years ago the Provincial Government decided to ditch the Yarmouth the Bar Harbour, ME, ferry. The six million subsidy that provincial government was kicking in was not worth it. This decimated the economies of Yarmouth and surrounding areas with hundreds if not thousands of lost jobs. Since then the govies have given nine million to Irving to keep the Shelburne Shipyard going – job gains, maybe 150. They have just done a deal with Abitibi-Bowater to keep the pulp mill in Liverpool going. This was a $25 million dollar deal. Direct and indirect jobs maintained – around 1200. Ringo and his band still haven’t talked about how much money they are prepared to throw at the mill in Port Hawksbury to reopen it. It won’t be cheap. Yet, they could not maintain a ferry service. Sure it was the wrong ship, but don’t kill it. Keep it going until you put in place a more suitable ship. This is an important link. The shortest and possibly cheapest route to the US market. Seems like something that a Nova Scotia government would want to keep in place no matter what the cost. The economic benefits would spread across the province. But, noooooo. They want to give Daewoo $20 million to build windmill parts. How’s that goin’ for you anyway?

Just when you want to tune out, you can look at the bright side. People pray for miracles. Big ones. You know something? That’s not how it works. You don’t get the big miracle. You get a bunch of little ones. It is not earth shattering changes, it is the person who comes out of nowhere to offer help. It is the uncommon occurance. Recognize the little stuff and be amazed and thankful.

Until then, I remain,

A Sour Kraut.

1 Comment »

November 22, 2011

Idiots

4:17 pm | No Comments » |

As you well know, I am no fan of unions. That being said, the recent actions of Abitibi-Bowater in Nova Scotia and at their Head Office makes me feel for the union members.

What Abitibi-Bowater did is put a gun to the workers heads and state that if the company didn’t get large concession from the workers, amongst other demands, including lower costs from the cutters for wood fibre, they would shut their mill in Booklyn, NS. Well, just like every other mill town in North America, there are few other options for employment. Consequently, the workers agreed to the cuts.

At the same time, Abitibi-Bowater released figures of the bonuses it recently paid to its top executives. So, the optics of all of this is a company that wants to reward its top executives with the moneys pulled out of the workers pockets. Morons.

I would hope that the Nova Scotia government and the Union, bring this up as negotiations drag on. They better hold tough and demand that some of this money gets put back into the workers pension fund or some other vehicle. Otherwise, I think they should tell Abitibi-Bowater where they can go.

Until then, I remain,

A Sour Kraut

No Comments »

The Eleventh Hour

9:52 am | No Comments » |

We recently had a Day of Remeberance for the brave men and women who have answered the call of their Country and traveled to foreign lands to fight wars that needed to be fought. Some returned, scarred by the experience. Some never came home. On the 11th Hour of the 11th Day of the Eleventh month, we meet, we cry, we lay wreaths and wear poppies, all in the hope that at some level these brave soldiers and their families will understand the depth of our enduring gratitude.

The hell that these men and women experienced and the courage they required to actually function amidst such chaos truly points to a level of character most of us will never achieve. My youngest has a way of cutting to the chase. Taking about the First World War, he looked at me and said “The trenches were not a nice place. Why did they do it?” Since I supposedly know everything, once again I was on the spot to deliver an earth shattering yet comforting answer. “Well,” I said, “Some men and women mistakenly went for an adventure while others went due to a sense of duty.”

“Why did they stay?”

“Hmmmmm,” I paused, “Because they were ordered to.” I had to laugh at the expression on his face. This was a boy who will not clean his room no matter what the “order”, trying to comprehend staying in a rat infested, sewer laden hole in the ground because someone of authority told you so.

“Oh.”

I digress. It struck me that while I spend the period around Rememberance Day remembering people I didn’t even know, there are people, friends and family I have lost, that I am starting to forget. I have lost a parent, grandparents, peers and friends. Some have died before their time. Others after leading a good life. And some have just disappeared ( that says a lot about me doesn’t it!). I have lost touch with people as a result of careers, foreign committments and other reasons. They have all turned into two dimensional pictures and memories. It has been my loss and I have done nothing to keep those memories and lessons learned strong.

So from now on, I vowed to stop doing whatever I am doing on the Eleventh Hour of the Eleventh Day of each month and remember those that have meant so much to me. I will remember the lessons they all taught me, and how in some very big ways they have made me the person I am today. Sure, they left before the job was near completion, but I can tire people out.

Until then, I remain,

A Sour Kraut

No Comments »

November 12, 2011

Chapter 32

7:27 pm | No Comments » |

Outside, the TV van waited. The side door opened and Cliff stepped in. “What are we going to do now?”
Mrs. Flanagan turned in her seat. She had a confused look on her face. What do you mean?”
“What are we going to do without Fred?” Cliff stated, in a slow, plain voice.
Then Cliff heard Fred’s voice. “What did I do?” Fred wondered as he turned in the driver’s seat to look see Cliff’s response.
“What are you doing here?” Cliff demanded.
“Where else should I be?”
“The Man said that they had you. What are you working for them too?”
Mrs. Flanagan was getting annoyed. She stifled Fred’s response and asked “Cliff, you are not making any sense. Care to elaborate?”
“The Man said that they had Fred. They obviously don’t have him, so that can only mean that he is one of them.”
“Who is this Man, you keep babbling on about?”
“Big guy, said they were watching me and wouldn’t let anything go wrong. Said that they controlled everything. Seems to be quite the control freak. He can appear anywhere.”
Mrs. Flanagan looked at Fred. “Griffin?”
“Sounds like him,” Fred agreed.
“What is going on here,” Mrs. Flanagan demanded. “None of our intel said anything about Griffin showing up.”
“I’ll make a call,” Fred offered. He picked up his phone and started talking.
“Griffin,” Mrs. Flanagan started to tell Cliff, “is like the overlord of the Western intelligence community. What he wants done, gets done.”
“Great,” Cliff sighed. “Who does he work for?”
“Everyone and no one.”
“Uh huh, and what does that really mean.”
“It means that you stay on his good side or you get into trouble.”
“Well he doesn’t like me very much,” Cliff confided.
Mrs. Flanagan laughed. “Au contraire my dear boy. If he didn’t like you, you would be dead now. I would say he likes you a lot. You are still walking and talking.”
Cliff didn’t know what to say. He was trembling. Fred put down his phone. “Sounds like he is here.”
“Why?” Mrs. Flanagan demanded.
“They don’t seem to know. He just showed up this afternoon. This is bigger than we thought.”
“The bigger they are the harder they fall,” Mrs. Flanagan offered.
Fred smiled. “Well if we pull this off, there are going to be a lot of people going off the edge.”
“We will,” Mrs. Flanagan assured him. “We have Cliff.”
“Right, you have me. Mr. Wonderful. Everybody thinks I am great. Care to tell me what I am going to be so great at?” Cliff asked.
“Lets go,” Mrs. Flanagan said.
Fred pulled away and started out of the parking lot.
“Care to tell me why we keep driving every time we talk?”
“Simple, my dear boy,” Fred started. When we are moving we pipe music through the shell of the van. The vibrations throw off the listening equipment they use to eavesdrop.”
“They are listening to us?”
“All the time.”
“Well why not do it when we are stopped?”
“Lasers can target the skin and eliminate the background nosies. When we are moving the road noise and engine noise is random. They cannot lock on the lasers to one spot and the randomness is too hard to eliminate. Think of it as a sound-proof room.”
“Fine. I will forget what I don’t understand. Although, that is all starting to make sense. If we varied our speed that would make it more difficult wouldn’t it?” Cliff suggested.
“I think he is getting it,” Mrs. Flanagan said to Fred.
“Okay Cliff, here is the plan. Tonight we perform this charade of a Telethon…”
“Charade?!!” Cliff yelled.
Mrs. Flanagan stared at him. “Oh come on, you didn’t really think that this was all that we were going to do?”
Cliff felt embarrassed. “No I remember about stealing a kidney. Humour me.”
Mrs. Flanagan continued, “Tonight after the Telethon is a big success, we all go home and relax. Tomorrow is another day.”
Cliff interrupted again. “Dr. Bob said that Monica, may not be Monica during the Telethon.”
“He didn’t need to tell you that.”
“Well he did. What did he mean?”
“Nothing. We may need to do more tests on Monica tonight and as a result she may not be available on cue.”
“That’s it?” Cliff asked.
“That’s all you need to know for now,” Mrs. Flanagan said.
“Uh huh.”
“As I was saying, before you rudely interrupted,” Mrs. Flanagan began again, “was that we were all going home to relax. Tomorrow morning, Mary will come to the hospital to check on Monica and the Telethon results and you will go to work. You will receive a shipment of a 1985 Lotus Esprit Turbo. Cecil will give it to Joe, but Joe will tell him that you are the one who should check it out. There will be a very special item in that Lotus.”
“Let me guess, a birthday cake?”
Mrs. Flangan ignored him. “Before you do anything you will have to check the vehicle’s identification number. It will be different from the original. If the numbers don’t match, we will abort. Somewhere along the line we had a breakdown and we will not risk lives on a misstep.”
“So, no pressure,” Cliff moaned.
“None for you. Well not much. Looking on the positive side, we will assume that everything matches. Once you confirm that this is the right “package” you will have to gain access to the intercooler. This model has the updated liquid intercooler.”
“I’m familiar with them.”
“Not this one,” Mrs. Flanagan interjected. “The coolant lines do not carry coolant. They are filled with liquid nitrogen.”
“What?”
“Yes the intercooler is a tiny freezer. That is why you have been getting cold burns on your arms when you have been working on these cars lately.”
“Ohhhh…”
“Yes, and the key to this is you getting the package out of that intercooler without destroying it, setting off the alarms and getting it back together so that no one notices.”
“I see. For my next trick I will pull a rabbit out of my butt.”
“I would pay to see that,” Fred shouted.
“So would I,” Mrs. Flanagan agreed. “Instead you will perform this trick and leave work with the package in your lunch box. By the way, you lunch box at home has been modified. It looks the same, but no it can maintain a temperature of -225C.”
“No way,” Cliff was incredulous.
“Once you have the package, you need to get it in the lunch box as soon as possible. Cecil will be watching you like a hawk, but we have some help to distract him.”
“Help.”
“Someone on the inside.”
“JOE!!”
“Very good Cliff,” Mrs. Flanagan smiled. “Joe has been there to help you at any point. So far you have made his life easy. Tomorrow however, you will need his help.”
“Does Cecil know?”
“About what?”
“Does Cecil know about Joe?” Cliff said.
“Not that we are aware of,” Mrs. Flanagan assured. “To continue, once you have the package, you need to get out of the shop as soon as possible. Joe will let us know. You will receive a phone call from Mary saying that Monica is in distress and failing fast. Tell Cecil the car is done and walk. We will be outside. Joe can handle Cecil from there. Once in the van, you will exchange your “new” lunch box for the old one and we will drive you to the hospital. You and Fred and your lunch box will go into the hospital to Monica’s room. She will be prepped for surgery and Mary and she will head to the operating room in one elevator. Leave your lunch box in the room and you and Fred head up in the other. You will actually be going to the underground parking. A car will be waiting. Get in.”
“You think they are going to be fooled by my old lunch box?”
“No, but they will have to check it,” Mrs. Flanagan stated, “that takes some time.”
“Why aren’t I going to the operating room?”
“No one is going to the operating room,” Mrs. Flanagan conceded.
“No one?”
“No one.”
“Mary is going to be pissed.”
“Let us take care of her.”
“Good luck,” Cliff laughed.
“Where am I going”
Mrs. Flanagan started again, “You are going to the airport. A plane will be waiting. Get on and the rest of you questions will be answered there.”
“And Mary and Monica?”
“They will be on another plane.”
“Okay, lets get back to the package. How am I supposed to get into this intercooler?”
“It is a three step process,” Mrs. Flanagan explained. This system has two alarms. One for temperature and one for flow. In your “new” lunch box is a jumper for the temperature sensor. The system allows five seconds to retest any temperature fluctuations. Find the temperature sensor, unplug it and attach the jumper.”
“In five seconds?”
“In five seconds. We have tried it and it is possible. Next, this is a typical refrigeration system. Two lines, high pressure and low pressure. They both have quick connects. You have eight seconds to connect the bypass in your lunch box to these lines. Remember, low pressure first.”
“Then what?”
“Then is gets harder. You have five minutes to open this thing up, get the package into the lunch box and close it back up with all the lines and sensors back in place.”
“I am really starting to sweat,” Cliff admitted.
Mrs. Flanagan chuckled, “Good. That means you know what we are asking. The access panel is supposed to be held in place by for bolts, head pattern, Torx 20. Remove that panel and the package will just pull out. As if I have to tell you, be careful, it will be cold. There will be a special set of welding gloves on your bench. Yell that the exhaust is hot and use those. It sounds stupid, but Cecil is not the sharpest knife in the drawer and this will distract him for a minute or two. Just grab the package and put it in your lunch box. It should fit easily.”
Cliff was trying to absorb all of this. “What is the number I am looking for?”
“It will be on a piece of paper in the lunch box so you don’t have to remember it now. The number is 1BHLACC9.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means,” Mrs. Flanagan stated, “that the kidney inside is a match for Monica.”
“Oh.”