“You don’t seem yourself today,” a pump room nurse asked.
“You don’t have your normal level of enthusiasm,” she clarified.
“No, I guess I don’t. I’m about done on that one.”
She stared right through me and said, “Yes, I guess you are.”
It takes a lot of effort, enthusiasm. Trying to remain upbeat, and positive for yourself and those around you. Trying to make sure that mind over matter does matter and that your treatment is not jeopardized by a bad attitude. Trying to do that and not look at the stats, the cold hard numbers that show you have not been drafted by the winning team. Success is going to take hard work and luck. Only one of which you have control over. The same thing that your cancer is trying to eliminate by beating the snot out of you week after week. Enthusiasm? Sure I got it in spades.
I don’t want to sound like I am complaining, Lord knows nobody likes a complainer. I am just finding it hard to recharge day after day. I have only ever had one fear through all of this. I fear that at some point I will lose the mental battle. Well in golf speak, I feel that I am on the 14th hole and I have just hit my drive in the woods. You hope to find it, but in most cases it is lost and you start again. Its provisional time.
I am also concerned that this may be my “new” normal. The idea of returning to the health and life that I once enjoyed is fading fast. I haven’t felt that anything in my body has been working correctly for weeks. The reality that this may be as good as it gets from here on out is just another hard pill to swallow.
So here I am. Enthusiastically normal. On the upside “Penelope” still thinks I am sexy. And that is not all bad.