Tonight my friend Mary Ann and I went for a walk and when we got back we were having a chat in my driveway, when we heard what sounded like a knock from the inside of the front door. We both look at each other confused. It continued. Knock. Pause. Knock. Pause. I thought I better check it out while Mary Ann waited in the driveway. As I approached the door I was imaging what I might find on the other side of the door, but as I got closer, I had an inkling it wouldn’t be good. I opened the door where I saw Colin surprised to see me, standing in a pitchers stance. He was pitching left over cherry tomatoes from this evening dinner salad at the glass window in the door.
I looked on the door where I saw tomato seeds and guts splatter on the door window.
I was absolutely furious; I don’t believe I have ever been that angry. But because my friend was waiting in the driveway and I knew it would be hard on our friendship if she called Child Protection, I thought it was best to deal with it later.
I told my friend what the knocking was, and the dear soul pretended not to be all that surprised, like it’s very common for kids to pitch leftovers. I was not convinced. Mary Ann asked me what I did and I told her that I threatened Colin that he wouldn’t be allowed to go trick or treating this year. She told me that I might have to eat that one and she’s right, I likely won’t keep my son from trick or treating, but I was so shocked that I didn’t know what else to say. I think I need to expect every possible scenario and prepare my reaction in advance. But I’m certain he will still stump me.
Once the kids were asleep, after a day that seemed like it went on forever, I poured myself a beer and ate 2 ice cream sandwiches. David gave me a disgusted look and asked me how I could drink beer and eat chocolate and his question confused me. I was pretty sure that I could drink anything with chocolate without any problem at all.
The bigger problem is how to deal with Colin’s oddly destructive behavior. Why does he do this stuff? Is he angry? Is he neglected? Do we give him too much attention? Whatever it is, I’m sure it will end up being my fault. I know I’ve written a lot about Colin and maybe I’m a bit hard on him. But he gives me such good material. I mean, his episode with my toothbrush, the bagina, with the sitters, now with tomatoes.
I remember David’s parents once told me that when David was a kid, whenever he got a toy, his mission was to test the Fischer Price lifetime guarantee.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I guess I could look on the bright side: at least we didn’t have any left over baked potatoes.